Mental health services (and what do you mean by this – low in the workplace? EAP? Community services?

Using the attached paper, make the following corrections/enhancements.

There are some writing things that I can touch on when I am able to make comments. Do put percents into numbers (8.2% as an example in your problem statement).

The problem statement is awkward:

Explain that first sentence.

The next one shifts gears to unemployment rates and it is unclear if that is statistically significant, that difference.

Then you switch to a claim that the low number creates challenges

That three relatively unrelated comments (at least for the readere). I think I understand the relationship between the third and fourth sentences but it would be the support systems (that there being few women means there are few there to support). That is different from the mental health services (and what do you mean by this – low in the workplace? EAP? Community services? Most organizations do not employ mental health services but they have something like EAP. You talk about these rise up and impact them but you say that this is due to few women veterans in the workplace. You need to clarify about male dominated industries. You have many very specific components but the problem sentence is more general. Do you want to focus on veterans who have experienced assault or female veterans in general. Are you wanting to look at female veterans who go into male dominated industries or “civilian society” in general. These are all very different. I think a lot of things were mentioned to differentiate women as unique but they serve to create confusion.

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